Awesomely Awful

Although it hadn't occured to me before I read this particular book, some authors are so truly awful they simply have to be quoted. With only ten days into the new year I already know which book will be mentioned as the worst book of the year in the end of the year summary: nobody will outshine this particular guy! (To think that I called Luis Delgado Bañón's books badly written!) 

So: A page for the truly bad authors. Enjoy. :)

Starting with…

“The New York Times Bestselling Author”: Matthew Reilly

“Nobody writes like Matthew Reilly.”

(Vince Flynn, quoted on matthewreilly.com)

In 1801, Lord Cochrane, commander of the 14-gun sloop HMS Speedy attacked and captured the 32-gun Spanish frigate El Gamo although the English were outnumbered more than five to one. When the mortified Spanish commander subsequently asked Cochrane for a letter to the Spanish admiralty saying he had done everything he could, Cochrane famously wrote that he had “conducted himself like a true Spaniard”.

Perhaps understandably, the Spanish read this as a compliment and promoted the officer.

I whole-heartedly agree with Vince Flynn: nobody writes like Matthew Reilly.  If he entered for the Bulwer-Lytton Award, he’d come first.


They crossed the mini-ledge, came to the rough stone-carved ladder.
Drops of fire rained down it, bouncing off their firemen’s helmets.
Every second or third rung of the ladder featured a dark gaping wall-hole of some kind, which West nullified with ‘expand-and-harden’ foam.
“Jack! Look out! More drop-stones!” Wizard called.
West looked up. “Whoa shit…!”
A giant drop-builder slicked with oil and blazing with flames came roaring out of a recess in the ceiling directly above the ladder and came free-falling towards him and Lily. 
“Swear jar…” Lily said.
“I’ll have to owe you.”
West quickly yanked an odd-looking pistol from his belt – it looked like a flare gun, with a grossly oversized barrel. An M-225 handheld grenade launcher. 
Without panic, he fired it up at the giant boulder free-falling towards them.
The grenade shot upwards.
The boulder fell downwards.
Then they hit and – BOOM! – the falling boulder exploded in a star-shaped shower of shards and stones, sparying outward like a firecracker, its pieces sailing out and around West and Lily on the ladder!

Then abruptly Kallis’s men stopped firing.
Pooh Bear exchanged a worried look with Wizard.
Change of tactics.
A brutal change of tactics.
Frustrated by the electromagnetic field of the Warbler, Kallis and his team started firing RPGs at the tower.
It looked like a fireworks display: long hyperextending fingers of smoke lanced upward from the their tunnel, streaking up toward the mighty ancient citadel.
“Oh my Lord,” Wizard breathed. “The Warbler won’t work against RPGs! RPGs are too heavy to divert magnetically! Somebody do something…”
It was Stretch who came up with the answer.
Quick as a flash, he unslung his sniper rifle, aimed and fired it at the first oncoming RPG!
The bullet hit the RPG a bare thirty feet from the tower and the RPG detonated in mid-flight, exploding just out of reach of the tower.
It was an incredible shot. A single shot, fired under pressure, hitting a high-velocity target in mid-flight!
Even Pooh Bear was impressed. “Nice shot, Israeli. How many times can you do that?”
“As long as it takes for you to figure out a way out of here, Arab,” Stretch said, eyeing a second incoming RPG through his sights.

They hit the exit ramp at speed, and rose up it briefly –
– at which moment Stretch yanked left on the steering wheel, and the bus lurched leftward, hitting the concrete guard-rail and…
…tipped over it!
The double-decker bus overbalanced shockingly and rolled over the concrete fence, using the fence as a fulcrum. As such, the entire double-decker bus rolled, going fully upside-down – off the exit ramp, back down onto the roadway proper – where it slammed down onto its open-topped roof…
…crushing all eight of the French troops on it!
But it wasn’t done yet.
Since it had tipped over the dividing rail from a considerable height, it still had a lot of sideways momentum.
So the big bus continued to roll, bouncing off its now-crushed roof and coming upright once again, commencing on a second roll – only to to bang hard against the far wall of the sunken roadway, which had the incredible effect of righting the bus and plonking it back on its own wheels, so that now it was travelling once again on the riverside drive and heading into the runnel having just performed a full 360-degree roll!

(Seven Ancient Wonders by Matthew Reilly)

The emphasis in the text is Reilly's, not mine; this is how he writes.